From the REPublic: Go ahead, make my day

January 11, 2012 · 3 comments

I secretly love it when a Winebuyer thinks he or she could do my job better than I. Or when they scamper off to try their hand at winemaking because they “know what sells.” Yes, my job probably does look pretty easy, doesn’t it? I just fill a bag with the hundreds of samples I have on hand at any given moment just to fulfill your whims, I travel all over the world to visit my wineries (snort), and the most effort I exert in a day is heaving this bag around. Cake walk, right?

And then inevitably, somewhere down the line Winebuyer learns the hard way that this job isn’t just pouring bottles, reciting wine facts, and smiling pretty. Check your smug Sommelier certification at the door because I guarantee that’s not getting you anywhere.

Note: REPublic posts are reader-submitted

Dear Wine Buyer,

Thank you for showing me how extremely interested you are in my company by asking me consistently to help you get a job. I know how you think that what I do is all bells and whistles, and you would have such an easy time doing my job. Hopefully you could even show me how you would do it better than me.

Yes, I agree that your job can be kind of boring and there can be a little stress for you here and there, but I also know that you work 35 hours a week and are always home for dinner. You would no doubt do my job better than me without having to work at least 60 hours a week minimum, and then going home to study for the wines you are going to bring out to sample the next day. Most likely you could even figure out how to drive less than 150 miles a day, and surely you would never have someone blow off an appointment after you drove 20 miles out of the way to see them.

I sincerely appreciate that you do have a fair amount of wine knowledge that you have acquired from me and my kind from our researching the great selling points for you to make your job easier. My company sincerely appreciates all that you do for us by letting me have less than five percent of your wine list, and we are greatly in your debt for the 15 cases you bought from me last year. It truly is spectacular that your club has such a great demand for my wines that you had to have every one of those cases the very same day you ordered it. I do suppose that I am in your debt for meeting one of your owners at a tasting elsewhere, and convincing him to buy a case of that really expensive Bordeaux through the club to help boost your numbers. I am sure that the numbers don’t lie and my bosses are clamoring to give you a job. I think they were just asking if you would come on board since you are just such a great supporter of us.

I am always glad to go to bat for someone who plays ball with me. Why don’t you go ahead give me your resume and I would be glad to put my ass on the line and I’ll see how high I can get that up the ladder of command just for you. I can’t wait till you are my teammates and can rely on you for help.


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