…that little white sweater top…

December 6, 2011 · 3 comments

Oh hello Winebuyer,

Interesting to hear from you on a Saturday of all days… I wouldn’t have answered your call if I’d known it was you, but you were apparently calling from your home, not your place of business or your cell as per usual.

You saw my car when you were on your run this morning? Yes, I had heard from one or two people that your residence is near mine. I’ve never thought anything of it… but now that you’ve actually voiced your knowledge of our proximity, I have to admit it makes me a little bit uncomfortable. And the friendly overtones in your voice are just a bit more pronounced than usual… it’s 3 pm. How many drinks have you had?

No answer to that question… although I could have sworn I heard the clink of ice cubes against a glass in the background.

No no, I wouldn’t call us “neighbors.” That’s going a little far, wouldn’t you say? Hmm… Okay, let’s change the subject. So why are you calling again? Surely it’s not just to inform me that you know where I sleep at night…

Yes, I will definitely come see you Tuesday afternoon. Anything specific you’re looking to add to the list that you’d like me to bring with you? No, I’m sorry, we don’t pour samples of that particular wine as it is heavily allocated… but I do have that case you keep saying you’re going to order set aside for you. It’s this week or never, buddy. Shit or get off the pot. Sure, we can talk about it some more on Tuesday. In the meantime, I’ll sell it to someone else.

I’ll bring the other wines you mentioned. 3 pm sound okay?

Oh. My. Wow. Um… I cannot believe you just said that. Please take my extended silence for what it is: utter and complete shock. Okay, I’ve had a few seconds to collect myself.

So NO, I will not wear “that little white sweater top”. I’m actually not sure which white sweater you’re referring to, because none of the white sweaters I own would fit into the “little” category… but that’s just me overthinking it. The fact that you even asked… I’m completely at a loss of what to say next, really…

Apparently I’ll be bringing pepper spray as well.

Good luck with your afternoon drinking. Excuse me, I have to go padlock my door now.

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