nobody does it better…

October 5, 2011 · 2 comments

Dear Winebuyer,

Yes, your shop/”bar” certainly is unique, quite unlike all of the other shop/”bars” I have in my territory. Actually, I’m nodding and smiling in agreement while I know that these words are complete bullshit. I already know what to expect from our relationship moving forward… bare minimum orders and your insistence on receiving on-premise pricing on everything, based on the barely-used “bar” you have fashioned from two wine barrels and a door tucked in the back of your wine shop/”bar”.

I know I will spend more time here than you will spend money, and I know that each month when I review my numbers, I will wonder why I waste my time staring at the tschochkes that fill your shelves, the dish towels and trivets with catchy little phrases like “drinks well with others,” while you spend 30 minutes over-analyzing each wine I pour you.

I know I’ll have to list off to you where each wine is already placed, which will inevitably lead to a conversation about margins and I’ll repeatedly listen to you explain why yours have to be so much larger than that other wine shop/”bar” down the street. And you’ll ask for an exclusive on a wine at some point or another. And without laughing at you, I will patiently explain that the other wine shop/”bar” we were just talking about went through a pallet and a half of the previous vintage, and we both know you won’t be able to move through this kind of volume in your “unique” wine shop/”bar”.

I know all this, and yet I will still be a loyal wine rep, stopping by regularly at your requested times, pouring wines that suit your “unique” needs and palate, although admittedly at times I will regret this commitment. You see, I like you already. I’m in awe of your tenacity and the way you refuse to embrace modern means of marketing, sales, and self-promotion. And although you’re doomed to fail, I guess I just like rooting for the underdog to prevail despite the odds you stack against yourself.

So here’s to your barely successful venture and to our barely mutually-beneficial future working relationship!

Best,
Wine Rep

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Samantha Dugan October 6, 2011 at 8:36 am
winerep October 6, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Samantha, I dig your snark. Thanks for the plug, and I’m glad you’re enjoying the reading… I actually have several “dear wine rep” letters of my own brewing in my brain about certain peers I run into daily on the route, but yours certainly can describe a few of my least favorite ones… although honestly, I get a kick out of the Hawaiian Tropic reps. It’s like watching a train wreck, except it’s sadly funny… as long as they don’t come trying to use my shoulder to cry on after being shredded by some shrewd winebuyer.

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