Cattle Call: Dear Wine Rep Love Letter

September 23, 2011 · 1 comment

Well I told the Winebuyers out there to go ahead and send your Dear Wine Rep letters for the Friday Cattle Call, so I suppose I have to be all “Equal Opp” and let this Winemaker submit as well… Besides, he’s such a sweet talker. (But just to be clear, that wasn’t me with him at the titty bar.)

 

Dear Wine Rep:

 

I just started to read your stuff. I never knew we had so much in common. I think I have a little crush on you (get it? “crush”? as in harvest – what we are supposed to be doing now but aren’t, so that a few years from now your douchebag bosses will say “no we aren’t interested in any of your 2011 wines – that vintage won’t sell”?).

That’s right, I’m one of those small, artisanal producers your bosses won’t give the time of day to. It’s not just Southern Wines & Spirits or Glazers. Every distributor in the country, and most brokers, are guilty of showing the same EXACT kind of behavior to me – to us – that you love in the Wine Buyers and you have to deal with on a daily basis.

But wait a minute – if I am actually already in your book, I LOVE you, I really DO, you and your bosses! You guys are totally awesome! Hey, really, it’s OK that I got beat up on FOB pricing and now I lose a little money on every case I move to you – it’s really not that bad – only a few percent under the actual cost of production (well, really more like 15% but I can fudge COGS on the books a little so it doesn’t look so awful). I’m just thrilled to have access to your market, and so honored that you would add us to your book. After all, you have Rombauer, and The Prisoner! (oh, wait, you probably don’t – Southern does).

No, seriously, we are glad you are out there beating the pavement with our samples in your bag. (You are keeping them cool, right?) (Oh, and you aren’t pouring our complex artisanal Pinot next to another ultra-young big-producer Pinot with 93 pts from Tanzer that the winery has discounted so it’s selling for $10/case cheaper than out best BTG price? The price I told you that you could offer on a 2-case drop to the “right” accounts? You aren’t doing that, right?) Really we are just super happy to have the exposure.

I get it – Syrah is a really tough sell in the market! You need a larger sample allowance? No problem. I can write it off, even if it does look like hell on the bottom line and my investors are screaming.

I am so totally looking forward to my next visit to your market for a ride-along! Thank you SO MUCH for lining up tastings with your best accounts! You know – the ones that will absolutely “get” what we are doing! Seriously, I don’t mind pouring for – and getting rejected by – the local grocery chain buyer that wants at least 112 cases of the wine I have allocated 14 cases to for your market. And I REALLY enjoyed buying drinks for you at the titty bar at 2 am – thanks for calling me a cab; I know you were thinking of my safety when you said you were too hammered to drive me back to my hotel.

And to wrap up my love letter: thank you so much for not just making a protective buy so I won’t shop my wines to your competition. And most of all, thank you for paying in 30 DAYS!!! Seriously, you guys are the bestest!

 

Love, Wine Producer

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

John September 23, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Dammit! I had this EXACT letter all ready to post, and here I get beaten to the punch! I hate it when that happens. But seriously (or not), all this sounds just like the lot of so many of us small, artisanal producers. And NO, I’m NOT a whinemaker. Jeez!

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