Cattle Call: quit yer dayjob

September 2, 2011 · 2 comments

I suppose it was inevitable.

You invite wine reps to join in on the winebuyer bashing, ask them to submit a dear winebuyer letter of their own, and instead you get a “dear wine rep” submission directly from the enemy. But this guy has a point. Hell, come to think of it, I could come up with a few “dear wine rep” letters of my own for my peers. So, once a week, if I have a “dear wine rep” post submitted, I will put it up. I shall dub these posts Cattle Call.

On Fridays only.

Because we wine reps hate working on Fridays.  

Dear Wine Rep:

First, let me preface this with the following…I like you. I really do. I think you are sweet and nice and are probably excited to have your job. Here is the thing though…you should seek another line of work. You are just not very good at your job.

I know that you have 147 Malbecs in your portfolio and you want to make sure that I taste everyone of them. Maybe, just maybe one day I will buy one, to add to the 2 Malbecs that I have on my list. I don’t really mind that I know your book better than you do. I giggle to myself listening to you fuck up the pronunciations of every 3rd word. It puts a nice break in my day of 41 Southern Wine & Spirits reps.

Seriously though, you should quit and go work at one of those wine craft stores with funny T-Shirts like “Wine Diva” or “I get better with Age”

Remember when that winemaker gave you a call from across the world and told you to save 5 cases of his new release? The new release that only 15 cases came into the country. Remember that? Remember when you forgot to order it after I reminded you 8 times? Remember when it was then sold out and I couldn’t get any? Remember when you then brought me a free bottle of Malbec to say you are sorry? Again, I like you as a person, but you suck.

See you in another 6-8 weeks.


Wine Buyer

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Pinot Daddy September 13, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Dear Wine Buyer,

Your’e so nice, I would love to sell you wine and have you teach me how to pronounce the regions. Seriously, I would be prepared to answer any questions you may have about the presented wines, would stop by as often as you requested, would call before I stopped by with a ride along, would never forget your requests or allocations. I would patronize your establishment in my off time, would support your events and will call pick up and deliveries would be OK when you were in a pinch. I would never complain about my slow pay accounts and would be a top level listener. With rare exception my wines would be at the proper temperature, and I would laugh at your jokes even if they were off color or not funny. I would learn your tastes and the profit goals of your program and would judiciously bring quality wines (not dogs) to your table. I do exist and would work for you like a sleepless ferret.

When I was a wine buyer I must have I purchased some cases from this same sub par sales person. Then one day I changed the game, I explained that moving forward for every error in action that was made I would remove one of this rep’s items from the list. Within 3 months all 11 placements were removed beginning with the coveted B.T.G. placements. Thereafter, the organization and its divisions were banned from presenting on the premises. The newly removed placements were then divided fairly between the remaining good reps. Soon after my action the bad but likable wine sales rep. did ….quit the day job.

I am from a school which urges that if a soloist in the band is not to your liking then don’t applaud as this is a great disservice to the player. Clowns if qualified should work in the circus not in the beverage industry. A sometimes cruel and shallow money trench, through the heart of the wine industry, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and weak men die like dogs, for no good reason. ( sorry H.S.T. )

Pinot Daddy


Robt Escobar September 24, 2011 at 9:42 pm

“The degree of loving is measured by the degree of giving.” ~ Edwin Louis Cole


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